I find it so frustrating sometimes: the daily cycle.
Wake. Take meds. Gently coax my brain into accepting the morning state (which usually involves scrolling through whatever cute or amusing videos I can find on instagram to deliver reward chemicals enough to make the body feel like it can push through the next number of unrewarding tasks - making breakfast/tea, using those minimal but short term effective rewards (and some deficit as the body has to process the food which slows me down) and more serotonin and dopamine-seeking scrolling, social interaction, or other minor activity to build me up to expending energy showering and focused care shaving, brushing teeth, applying moisturiser to face and other areas, then becoming mentally quiet enough to hear how the body (subconscious) wants to be represented and expressed via clothing and colour this day, modified to suit weather and climate, before finally being able to even consider leaving the private dwelling.
By then it is often nearly midday or even after, depending on the chemical cocktail in my brain or time of month or weather. Then the day has its short dance and then it's dinner, then the uppers have worn off and it's either an emotional disaster or a pleasant evening or anywhere in between. Always alone. Then back to that crib of my repeated resurrection - the bed and single anxiety blanket.
I need routine and yet I loathe it all so quickly. It becomes mundane. Flat. Nothing more than a series of neverending tasks.
Often I will get distracted before I get done with the morning routine and in the process of seeking enough reward chemicals to press forward and endure, become focused and busy on some other productive thing only to feel worse by showering and dressing even later by psychological conditioning of my youth and past.
#vent
#disability
#routine
#frustration
#thedailycycle