I’m Not the Bad Guy—I’m Just Not Playing Along
Part 1
A few nights ago at dinner, I said something true—and suddenly, I was the villain.
My stepdaughter went for the last few meatball, I think there were five left, and I paused her. “Wait, your dad hasn’t had any.” That’s it. That was the sentence that shifted the mood. She shut down. He shut down. Suddenly, I’m the one who “ruined” the vibe.
But here’s the thing: my husband has a habit of self-sacrifice. This is something that him and I have talked about before. I’ve told him before—it’s not healthy. It’s not noble. And it’s definitely not the example I want for the kids. We even read a book about boundaries together and I explained to him that is healthy to ask for things, to want things, to assert those wants and needs. When you make martyrdom your personality, you teach children that being walked on is love. That speaking up for your needs is selfish. That invisibility is a virtue.
And I’m not raising kids to believe that.
The kids eat first in our home. They always have. This was round two—second servings. Nobody was going hungry. But in our house, I believe in one simple rule: before you grab the last of anything, you ask the table. That’s basic respect. That’s community. That’s love in action.
So I told her, calmly, after the tension was already thick:
“Look, when other people are at the table, you ask before you take the last of something. It’s called being considerate.”
I said it, I meant it, and I still do.
Then I grabbed my wine and took my grown self to the living room. Because I’ve learned—peace isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of truth. And if that makes me the bad guy, then pour me another glass and hand me my horns.
Because I’m not the villain—I just stopped playing along. I’m not going to stay quiet as if I don’t see the same cycle that gave my husband the idea that being a martyr is the way to express love repeat itself. Absolutely not.
And that’s the thing about this role—I’m an insider and outsider all at once.
I don’t have the long history they do, so I’ll never fully be “in.” But that distance? That perspective? It’s also a gift.
It lets me spot the dysfunction they’ve accepted as normal. And I won’t play pretend just to keep everyone comfortable.
It still feels uncomfy but whats more uncomfortable for me is staying quiet. So I won’t do that. So I am wondering. Ever been labeled the bad guy just for setting a boundary? Share your dinner table truth in the comments or tag a mama who gets it.
Happy mother’s day BTW.
Stay tuned for Part 2 next Sunday
#blendedFamilyBoundaries #emotionalLabor #familyDynamics #parentingTruthfully