Depression makes you do complex maths. Like train speed based on distance between level crossings judged by the train horn. From this you can calculate approximate speed. Velocity of a 192 lb body traveling for 142' onto dead calm water on a moonless night on an outgoing tide. Aye, my brain is a real party. I'm just having a wee rant, I really donnae ken the solution other than a promise I made. #suicidalideations #majordepressivedisorderrecurrent #bpd #mybrainisverybroken

One month left until my one and a half years sober birthday!

{Thanks for the love, Facebook ✊️}

I recently started working at a job that I can finally have pride in and that I actually love and enjoy doing. I’m a Patient Care Tech at the Haven detox program at Crescent Hospital (basically a one week detox rehab). I got this shout out from this 19 year old guy that was a heroin addict like myself going through withdrawals who I had a long heart to heart with about giving up the drugs and not fucking up his precious life and being willing to fight for himself.

Feeling nostalgic. This past year and a half of recovery has been incredible. I dont think that I’ve ever experienced so many changes so fast. Decisions that were at first so fucking hard to make and scared the shit out of me. But thank God I did, because I don’t think that I would have made it out and stayed out of addiction if I went right back to what I knew and what was comfortable. Just because something is comfortable doesnt mean that it’s good for you.

Thank you to everyone who has loved me and supported me and motivated me to fight for and protect this new life that I have built for myself.

I honestly always thought that I was going to be a mentally ill and bat shit crazy fuck up for the rest of my life however long that may be. For most of my life, I couldn’t control my emotions- with borderline personality disorder they were just so fucking intense. I couldn’t handle it. I had no idea how to use healthy coping skills, so I started finding other ways to dull the chaos inside of me. That’s how I found heroin.

It may have came into my life from a shitty boyfriend, but I was all too eager to dance with the devil if it meant feeling better inside. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. Just laying in bed or being out in public or just living your day to day life knowing how everything in your life is fine and you should be happy, but you literally cant; you just think too damn deeply, feel way too fucking much, get hurt too fucking easily, and you have these moments of extreme, primal anger where you see red and black out and lose yourself and you do and say these horrible things and get violent, destroying everything in your path, and it scares the shit out of people which causes you to be regretful and shameful and full of guilt which then leads to the bottomless pit of depression where you lay in bed for a week and can’t even manage thinking about dragging your exhausted body to the shower, so you just avoid it all together and the days and nights blend together and you just feel so empty and hallow inside like your body is about to implode on itself and you pray for it to just kill you and take you out of this constant torment once and for all.

Fast forward to a year later and I’m sober, they finally got my psych meds figured out, I got my dream job where all my pain and suffering and trauma can finally be used to help people like me after so long of never being able to hold down a job pretty much ever and being known as a junkie thief, to now, being known to be someone who is reliable, responsible, and trustworthy. And I’m finally happy. I found the peace and serenity that I had searched for in drugs for my entire life. I now see every day as a gift and do what I can to make the most of it instead of waste it away getting wasted. And every day I wake up and continue to fight for myself.

Just a story about how a girl from an upper middle class family with loving, attentive parents turned into a IV heroin using felon, yet somehow found her way back after learning many lessons the only way she knew how, the hard way.

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#abandonmentIssues #addiction #anxiety #blessed #blog #blogPost #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #Chronicpain #death #Depression #dying #existentialism #grateful #heroin #inspirational #lateNightThoughts #mdd #mentalIllness #Mentalillness #motivation #motivational #na #Ptsd #rapeSurvivor #scars #selfcare #snapped #sober #sobriety #suicidalIdeations #suicide

If you only fucking knew what goes on in my head, you’d run… But please don’t; I’m getting tired of trudging through life day after day after day on my own.
I just want someone to fucking understand me… To get me. To not think that I’m bat shit crazy. To see the beautiful sides of my mental illness bullshit and addiction. I swear there are beautiful sides…
I’m fiercely loyal, passionate to a fault, and the chaos in my mind is like unraveling a mystery. Someone will get it. Get me. But if not, I guess I’ll carry on alone to the bitter end. I’ve done it over a year now, and I can continue. But God, I just don’t want to…

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https://poemsbykatie.wordpress.com/2024/07/01/tired-of-being-alone/

#abandonmentIssues #addiction #anxiety #blog #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #codependency #Depression #existentialism #loneliness #love #prose #suicidalIdeations #toxicRelationships #venting

So under normal circumstances this wud be a #Sicide night. I cannae dae that because of a promise I made, so in spite I destroyed something good that cud possibly happen tae me. I f**king hate this but it improves the odds of me being right. I donnae ken whae I am posting this, none of ye fucking ken me. I really dae hate bein meh. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeations

The Girl Who Mistook Me For A Pile Of Bricks

I wanted to give her everything, but she backstabbed me.

I’ve mentioned it before. The queer world is rather small. You should be nice to the people you run into, even when breaking up with them. If you do not, you may get a cold reception the next time you run into them. I wanted to give everything to the girl I’m going to talk about, but she bit the hand that fed her. If she ran into me now, she’d get a frigid reception.

#AutisticWriters #Dating #love #MentalHealth #pansexuality #polyamory #queer #relationships #sex #SubstanceAbuse #SuicidalIdeations #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/01/31/the-girl-who-mistook-me-for-a-pile-of-bricks/

Suicidal ideations are different for people who’ve attempted and failed… They aren’t about just thinking on how great it would feel to just end it anymore and how easy it would be to do… It’s realizing how much more complicated it is now; it’s realizing that you a) either won’t cut deep enough or will be rushed to the hospital too fast with a Baker act to look forward to. It’s b) realizing that it’s a lot harder to snap your neck than it looks on tv, and that you probably have a better chance of breaking the ceiling fan like I did. It’s c) Trying to OD only you ended up chained to a ventilator for the rest of your miserable life instead.

It’s realizing swallowing a bullet could leave to life as a quadriplegic with a fucked up ass face from all the surgeries. It’s realizing that jumping from a building or bridge will shatter every single bone in your body instantly and excruciatingly. It’s realizing that trying to OD with most pain pills, will just end up shutting down your organs first. And especially if you try using psych pills- you can get tardive dyskinesia on a good day and fry your already fragile chemical imbalances on a bad one.

It’s realizing that, yes, somehow I lived through drifting my car at max speed all down through the middle of nowhere during the dead of the night, and even though I wanted to crash and burn in a blaze of glory at that time… my last car accident from last year (where I did end up crashing my head through the windshield and getting 11 staples in my head) opened my eyes…

And Thank God that I didn’t lose a limb or break anything or lose myself (at least not permanently). Took me until that moment where I was bleeding out miles and miles from civilization to finally start fighting for this life that Ive been so desperately trying to throw away for as long as I can remember… I have lived as recklessly as possible, because there has always felt something deep inside of me that is and has always been so completely fucking broken.

But I realized that you either fucking die… Or you fucking live. It’s really that simple.

And apparently regardless of my heroin addict, reckless, impulsive, adrenaline junkie ass, I still Suck at dying. 👍🏼

Been trying pretty actively for quite awhile now… Maybe it’s time I put a little thought to the other side… To actually find away to coexist with this cruel, unfair entity that we call life. Which is SO much easier said than done, but really, what’s your only other option? -you die, or -you LIVE. I just hope this living life thing turns out to get easier than at least the damn opposite lol 😪❤️‍🩹

And I for one am so fucking tired of dooming myself from the JUMP. Happiness has always seemed to escape me, but maybe I share some blame in that…😮‍💨

My whole adolescence life I planned of dying by 27 and being part of the Forever 27 club. Thought that for years and years. Until I turned 28 last year, and am (if God sees fit) turning the big 29 here soon… *Screams* 🤢

So even though I damn sure feel like I’m back at my fucking lowest and lost everything that I had just built, I’m STILL clean even though a shot sounds more valuable to me than gold right now, but I’m not going to do it. Because that’s exactly what your self righteous ass is counting on, so you never have to be in the wrong regardless what you say, do, and treat me in general.

All I got to say is THANKS FOR THE SPITE, BITCH. It nourishes my soul, keeps me focused, and keeps me making moves and counter moves.

Check fucking mate 🏁♟️📣👏😏😘

https://poemsbykatie.wordpress.com/2024/01/11/suicide-on-my-fucking-mind/

#abandonmentIssues #abusiverelationship #addiction #anxiety #Borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Bpd #breakups #codependency #cravings #death #Depression #domesticViolence #fuckLife #heroin #suicidalIdeations #suicide

Funny thing aboot #drowning is the last thing ye think afore unconsciousness is "shit, ahm drowning!" Ahm speaking frae experience btw. #death #Suicidal #SuicidalIdeations #Depression #DeathEnvy

Aye. Art by Shawn Coss #MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent #Dysthymia #OCPD #SuicidalIdeations #SelfLoathing #SelfPunishment

Taedae was a "bridge day". Some o' ye ken what that means.. #SuicidalIdeations #SelfLoathing #Dysthymia #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria

Well I've discontinued my mental health care. Sacked both my therapist (#7) and my psychiatrist (#2). Let the fun begin! #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent #Dysthymia #PTSD #OCPD #SuicidalIdeations #SelfLoathing

Ah will suffer alongside ye but ye must NEVER count on meh. Ah nae really know how much longer mah monsters will let meh live. Art by Shawn Coss #MentalHealthAwareness #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent #Suicidalideations #Dysthymia #OCPD #SelfLoathing

I just go awa quietly. Trust meh when I say that ye'll get o'er it quicker than ye think...minutes later. #ImVeryBroken #Dysthymia #SuicidalIdeations

I am friendly fur the most part but please keep yer distance. I wilnae hurt ye, but ah fair certain ye wilnae like wut I dae tae mahsel. #SelfLoathing #MDD #DeathEnvy #SuicidalIdeations

@louche_librarian I suffer frae several mental illnesses. #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent and #SuicidalIdeations for over 40 year. Add #Dysthemia #OCPD #PTSD and severe #SelfLoathing (Everything is well diagnosed). There are many times that I get this way...I hae nae control over it. My Psychotherapist and Psychiatrist hae me on both a treatment plan and safety plan. 3 attempts, one VERY close tae success (damnit), and ahv lost count of the times ahv been detained fur it lol.

I've never known #joy or lasting #happiness. What passes for that in my brain is distraction, amusement, and at best a lack of impact...neutral. Before you call me #emo or dramatic, I hae a very broke brain and suffer several mental illnesses. Anyone else oot there like me? I fucking hope nae. #MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent #Dysthymia, #PTSD, #OCPD #SuicidalIdeations, #SevereSelfLoathig. #IAmVeryBroken #YouCanNotHelp

I think I finally got it thru mah #Psychiatrist heid that my #SuicidalIDeations and extreme #SelfHatred innae gaen anywhere, hence untreatable. I want tae attempt tae enjoy life whatever that means, but I will always want suicide as an option. I think she finally gets it. #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent, #Dysthymia #OCPD #PTSD #Neurodivergent #IAmVeryBroken #YouShouldReallyRun

FUCK...Ah miss Layne Staley so much. Ah miss Mike Starr, Chris Cornell, and Kurt Cobain. When the tide, hour, and moon is right, ahl come a'lookin fur ye. All artwork by Shawn Coss #MajorDepressiveDisorderRecurrent #Dyshymia #OCPD #SuicidalIdeations #IAmVeryBroken #LetMeGo

Ach, 988 might be a thing taenite. #IAmVeryBroken #SuicidalIdeations #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Dysthymia

#MentalHealth #MentalHealthMatters #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeations #OCPD #Dysthymia #SevereSelfLoathing #IAmVeryBroken