Lmst

Jumping bean, a day in our neighbourhood

We played lots today. Being at home and in the neighbourhood is so simple but also my favourite.

I’ve been thinking about our time together all week. For lunch, I thought I’d give the Asian style tofu a go again, as you liked it last time when Olivia made us lunch.

Your mum dropped you off which, I was really happy about because we’d have as much of the 11-4 as possible. She was with a woman, I don’t know who and how well you know her. To avoid issues I don’t ask, I’m not able to even ask who you’re spending time with.

Together at home

You make your way inside with increasing familiarity, there are a still a few parts that you don’t remember like navigating inside the building, but once inside your home I’m pleased you know your way around and immediately roam like you’re the boss. This usually means exploring the balcony, an obsession equal during winter or summer! I make sure to wipe down the balcony so you can explore freely and not get too mucky from the dust and spiderwebs!

Once settled, I wanted to get a few bits from my bedroom so you followed me in and ran around to the curtains to play and hide. Your joyful face while you hide and I overreact to you revealing yourself is exactly what I thought being a dad would be like. Olivia joined in and we entertained your game, or perhaps you were entertaining our reactions.

We jumped about in bed including me helping you do a rolypoly. I remember when you were too delicate to hold leaning over and now you’re the one jumping wildly!

A local afternoon

After your nap we went to the coffee shop nearby, for a snack and babyccino. These little things are the weekend’s dream. Having fun in the warm weather and making the most of the local amenities.

Hard at work with your watercolour book

Still with lots of energy I thought it would be best to go into the courtyard where the shade kept us safely away from the sun and minimal time would be lost travelling around.

Our last games of the day

A delivery box about your size became the last game of our day. It’s true what they say about fancy toys. Sometimes kids are more interested in the box than the toy.

One Izzy safely delivered

Ahead of your mum collecting you, I went through the routine of ensuring you had a fresh nappy for the journey home, a good sip of water and was full of kisses.

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Close up of a toddler in a floral top smiling

Toddler sitting in an armchair drinking from a cup

A father helps a toddler walk on wooden stumps

Toddler sitting in a cardboard box on the floor

Stress between Cafcass interviews

I’m writing this in a moment between Cafcass meetings. I spoke with the case officer on Monday, and your mum will speak to her next week.

I’ve struggled to keep a record here for you as so many moments are sad and hopeless. I have lots of notes in drafts, waiting to be revised before I save, but the pain of recalling those moments has been too difficult and I avoid going back to them to avoid provoking more sadness. Ultimately, I want to keep a record for you, so I’ll work it out.

This relentless situation means I’ve got to make the most of what we have.

Your mom continues to fight against me, against us being a family where I have equal responsibility, time and care for you. She doesn’t want me involved and I’ve been fighting just to be able to see you more than once a week. It hurts me so much that we barely have 5 hours together on a Sunday and many of those are cancelled anyway.

Staying in your memories

I’m terrified you don’t know who I am right now. What if you don’t see that I’m your loving dad who will always love and care for you.

I got a bit of hope because you can understand and remember little things. Like on the weekend, when you knew where to get your plates and bib for lunch. It was a lovely surprise to get your help but most importantly for you to have remembered something about our time together.

Missing so much

Even with some positive signs, I live devastated that I can’t give you a bath at night or kiss in the morning.

More hostilities to come

Next week your mum will spew more hateful deceitful lies with the only one aim, to keep us apart.

I think about you every moment, even though it hurts.

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Man looking concerned while on the phone in a modern living room

Completely heartbroken the week before Christmas

This weekend your mum had set Saturday and Sunday for me to look after you to make up for not being able to see you over Christmas. I had no choice in the planning, but was determined to make the most out of our time.

Saturday with grandma

On Saturday we visited grandma and Clive. They had made an incredible effort decorating home with a beautiful tree and dressed Pluto with a cute doggy outfit too. Everything felt wonderfully festive.

For lunch, we had nature slice and beef, not the most festive meal for the UK, but I’m sure closer to what we would be having if we were in Sunnyland. You’re a little too young to eat bubble treat, but we’ll have those in the future, for sure.

Playing with Pluto in the kitchen

It was nice to visit our family, a luxury we rarely have. You have so few chances – a big part of your life cut off. In addition to today, I was excited about plans to visit your uncle along with grandma and Clive tomorrow.

Difficulties with making basic plans

To better plan our time seeing family, I had asked your mum to provide details like where you would be staying overnight and how you would travel to Big City, so I could minimise travel and bring our family together.

She sent me angry messages and referred to speaking through her solicitor. I tried, but then her solicitor referred me back to your mum. Communication has gotten a little hopeless.

It feels like she’s trying to make everything harder and more stressful for me. It’s desperately upsetting.

The worst morning

At 11am Sunday morning, I arrived at the station, on time and waited. Unsure which direction your mum would come from. At about a quarter past, she arrived with her sister, your auntie, and questioned where I was going. I let her know I had a day with my brother, your uncle, planned for us. She responded by ordering me to take you to my flat or she wouldn’t let me see you.

She spent half an hour, shouting at me, telling me hurtful things and accusing my family of faking an interest in you. I’ll never know what her intentions were apart from trying to break me and disparage our family.

Her sister, your auntie, stood by my side trying to reason with her and telling her the things she was saying weren’t relevant.

I told your mum she was being unreasonable and carefully used the word ‘bad’ so as to not use stronger language to make her behaviour worse.

I wanted to see you, but as I tried to move a little closer, she became even more aggressive. I knew it would be best not to touch your buggy until the situation was resolved. To try and get her to ease her aggressive stance, I said I wouldn’t go closer to you, until we had arrived to an agreement, as I didn’t want to be accused of anything or even have the police called. Your mum smirked and mocked me and said she would call the police, with a smile on her face.

I’m not sure the torment of that moment will pass.

There seems to be no limits on your mum’s behaviour. I kept my composure but your mum seemed to get worse every minute. Your auntie was deeply uncomfortable at your mum’s behaviour.

After half an hour she stormed off from me and your auntie. Stunned, your auntie pleaded with me that we should go after her and I didn’t take you to see your uncle. After about 10 minutes I took a present from your grandma out of my bag and asked your auntie to give the present to your mum so you could open it on Christmas day.

I told your auntie, I would stay at the station and that your mum was welcome to come back.

Of course she didn’t come back. I stood in the cold humiliated. Our family ridiculed and the chance to see you for Christmas, ripped away too easily.

I don’t have the words

That was awful, days before my birthday, the week before Christmas. I couldn’t believe what your mum was doing.

I didn’t even get the chance to see your beautiful little face properly. You were in the buggy, whisper distance away, but I couldn’t even give you a kiss.

I’m heartbroken. It’s beating with a pain I’ve only felt once before which was when your mum took you.

Hope is extinguished in me.

Listen through the podcast

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#Christmas #dad #dadLife #dadTime #daughter #difficultRelationships #family #familyCourt #familyFeud #fatherSRights #fatherhood #feelingDown #feelingHopeless #heartbreak #hope #missingYou #parentalAlienation #parenting #timeWithFamily #winter

Laughing baby's reflection in a Christmas bauble

Excited baby and dog facing each other in the kitchen

Rail replacement for our winter day

I’m on my way back from a day with your adorable little face.

The plans to visit grandma and other friends in the Big City were cancelled because the direct trains aren’t running. Your mum refused to drive so I went to River Town instead.

Tickets to see you

Your mum messaged me at 8:30am to confirm the day was going ahead, as I asked her to, because I needed a bit of time to prep your lunch. Over the last few days, you’ve been unwell with a cough and rash. Both are still present, however now they are mild.

I really hope you get past these constant sicknesses, it’s starting to worry me a bit. As long as your mum takes you to the GP, all I can do is trust you’re being looked after suitably. If I dare to ask, your mum shuts me down with threats of accusing me of harassing her. I’m in a horrible position.

I now have access to your GP records but that won’t cover every time you’re sick so I can’t know if your mum is just making excuses. I’m kept in the dark and we’re kept separated.

Our day together

I had originally planned to visit grandma and have lunch with her before visiting Market Street. As the plans changed, in the morning I got ready and cooked you a prawn, cream, spinach and mashed potatoes meal.

I anticipated Wagamama would have highchairs and like other chain restaurants, would be family-friendly. Yo Sushi last week they were great.

You were a little unsettled and didn’t eat much so I had to use the various backups which were successful. You were very keen on cheese today and kept asking for more until you finished everything I had! ‘Moor’, ‘moor’. It’s adorable hearing you speak, I’ll try and get a video of you saying ‘more’ soon.

I tried to go for a walk along the canal but it started raining so I thought you would be better off at the library. It was busy with various families and a little reading session was on, I tried to have us join, but I think you wanted to monkey around and release some energy.

Less reading more throwingI can understand why dads grow their beards now!

I used an opportunity to video call grandma and then there was little time for anything else as it was getting dark and generally a miserable day. The greatest brightness was absolutely your lovely expressions and sweetest way of playing with other kids.

It breaks my heart that you fall asleep and I disappear for a week or longer at a time

I miss you already so much sweetheart.

Listen through the podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/55R3GStllcw9x6sAxZ224K?si=cTlelgtDQAO3X7_P8UR3hg

#blogging #dadLife #dadTime #Diary #emotions #familyTime #fatherTime #fatherSRights #fatherhood #journal #kids #life #littleGirl #memories #missingYou #myGirl #parentalAlienation #relationships #timeWithDaddy #visitingYou #winter #writing