Who I Want to be…
Daily writing prompt If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
View all responses Following my previous post, Me Time, if I could choose who I would be for the day, I would prefer to be a stronger, more improved version of myself. One that could say “NO” when needed instead of letting family members walk all over them all the time. When I was asked this question last week, it made me think about what has been happening in my life recently. The universe is putting me in positions where I need to say NO to facilitate my happiness. That is a pretty important lesson for me.
Everyone else seemingly knows how to stand up and tell this person “NO,” I have never been able to because she won’t take no for an answer from me. She’s constantly asking, “What do you do during the day? You don’t work; you can’t be that busy.” Or my favorite, “You only have the youngest during the day; what do you do all day?” Anyone with a toddler who’s in your 30s knows that just having one toddler can be an exhausting full-time job. I also have two teenagers who need my attention and support. They expect the teenagers to take on some of my responsibilities, and they don’t need me anymore, so I have more time. NO. They need my love and support also. That may be why you had so many problems with your teens.
My life right now is a few stages, all crunched into one. I have raised my older children, starting with my youngest. I am about to launch one of my children out into the world, and I have another who is about to start high school and one who will start schooling. All while being expected to care for my mother and grandmother. It’s a lot of pressure on someone desperately trying to find themselves in the mountain of responsibilities I already have, let alone the responsibilities others have piled on top of me. All the pressure has pushed me to my limit. Especially after just getting out of a flare and heading right back into one. When do these people expect me to enjoy my life? When do they expect me to get any work done? Why do they not take “NO” for an answer? I love and care for them, but I deserve the same respect. My boundaries are going to really piss some people off, but there’s no other choice. I choose my well-being.
The happiest time in my life was when certain family members left me alone to enjoy my time. I spent hours gardening, building things, refinishing furniture, and teaching myself new things daily. I learned what I was capable of physically and mentally. I became confident and felt like I could do anything. Then came the extra responsibilities and dealing with a demanding narcissist. All of my hard work was gone before I could blink. A few weeks before, I thought nothing could get to me, yet there I was. All strength I previously had was squashed.
Sometimes, it hurts, but you have to cut the narcissist off for good, for your own health and well-being. They care more about themselves than how they make others feel; everything is about them. Your self-esteem will repeatedly tank when you’re used to this your whole life. Nothing you do ever seems to be good enough. This is an exhausting concept because you put so much thought and effort into ensuring you please them so they won’t freak out on you. The more you do, the more they expect. It’s just an exhausting cycle.
With new boundaries set this week, if they want my help, they will contact me on Sunday (the day I agree to make plans with them, and we can work out what days in the coming week I can help.) There will be no more calling me and demanding I meet them at their house in 30 minutes. If that doesn’t work, throw a fit, I don’t care. I no longer take care of others before I take care of myself. It’s funny that I even have to go through this; it’s a given. I keep saying I need to make some changes, but I still need to make the effort. Now is the time. If not now, then when? My life will no longer fly by, and I will no longer wonder where the time went. My time is MY time.
As I said in my previous post, Me Time, I have made the decision to make time in my daily schedule for self-care hygiene (it sounds weird to schedule this, but some days it gets placed on the back burner repeatedly no matter what you do, so schedule it. It’s a non-negotiable) exercise, daily yoga practice, and more meditation through this time of change. I’ve also found ways to include reading and learning into my tight schedule through podcasts and a subscription to Audible. This has made such a huge difference in my day. It’s easy to pop in an earbud, make a meal, or even while gardening and doing laundry. Keeping my mind occupied with what I’m listening to makes the boring housework easier and seems much faster. I’ve also noticed I tend to finish a task from start to finish while listening to something; fewer distractions are always better!
Another thing that has been bringing me so much peace is journaling. Every night before I go to bed, I write a few things that happened that day and what I’m grateful for. This has helped me focus on more positive stuff instead of the negative thoughts that haunt me and keep me up at night. My goal is to become more conscious of the thoughts that I allow. Suppose something negative comes through, like disappointment about weight. In that case, I remind myself that I recently made a human being and have since been through many other stressful events and have only been able to focus on my health (my fault, I know) for a short while. I will get there just like before. Journaling has also shown me what keeps coming up for me, and what needs to change becomes more apparent.
This first week of the “new me” has been a breath of fresh air. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Even though I’m dealing with a flare, my mental health has been in a better place, and I’ve been easier on myself for the most part, but there’s still room to grow. I’ve been holding myself accountable and ensuring I keep my routine by alarms to keep myself on schedule and task. My creative flow is starting to return, and writing is a fun, rewarding release of the things in my head. My generic blog posts now have a direction and a purpose. My website is gradually transforming into what I had intended it to be. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on growth and the start of your journey. Was it hard to take the first step?
Thank you for following along while I figured out how to navigate this ride. I appreciate your support.
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