Lmst

Mischief managed: a girlfriend picked me up for lunch, dropped me off at #DayRehab - and we’ll set up a standing date for doing exercises at home via phone. We did that during COVID when I could walk 3-6 miles for an easy workout.

Now, I can do a few hundred yards max.
#StrokeSurvivor

My occupational therapy task for today: assemble this tub/shower transfer bench so I can take a shower safely.

My occupational therapist recommended this one, was bored so I put it together. No tools, seems very solid. #strokesurvivor

Drive Medical 12011KD-1 Tub... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002VWK0T6?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

One day closer to going home from rehab.

#StrokeSurvivor

Yep, more #StrokeSurvivor info. You definitely want to #BEFAST

https://wapo.st/4mIoeNW

Bringing big Borg energy to my #StrokeSurvivor journey today; Got my ankle/foot brace today. In a routine assessment this morning, was asked birthdate, location, and “who is the President of the United States?”

“That is a loaded question, I’d rather not say. But as you can see, I’m a #Resistor “

Me whenever someone tells me to “act normal” or “tone myself down” -Allēna

#disabilities #queer #trans #neurodivergence #madstudies #strokesurvivor #queerart

#disabilities #MadStudies #neurodivergence #queer #queerart #strokesurvivor #trans

To whomever it may concern….

-Allēna

#disabilities #NEISvoid #madstudies #queer #trans #disabled #dissociativeidentitydisorder #strokesurvivor #queerart

#disabilities #Disabled #dissociativeidentitydisorder #MadStudies #NEISvoid #queer #queerart #strokesurvivor #trans

Nose piercing reinforcement obtained ✨

I still do not feel like I have enough functioning hands to take today on, though..

-Allēna #strokesurvivor #NEISvoid #nosepiercing

#NEISvoid #nosepiercing #strokesurvivor

#3goodthings

Is this good? 1. Latest I have been awake since my TGA episode, but I know it's because of special circumstances. Did art with the time #superstar

2. The whole day was good, despite cancelling time with friends to see mother in law ⚖️ luckily she was awake and in good spirits #strokesurvivor it was a shame to leave her and go & see spring flowers

3. But the whole day was good, so can I find 1 more moment? Sitting in the sunshine with no pressure To Do Something, breathing, quiet

Ink doodle sketch based on Jin echo photo lying on sofa in attic room

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/enhanced-brain-implant-translates-stroke-survivors-thoughts-into-nearly-instant-speech-using-artificial-intelligence-180986347/
#AI #medicine #BrainComputerInterface #brainimplant #strokesurvivor #brainvoicesyanthesis

The realities of Canadian bikepacking.
#bikepacking #wintercycling #strokesurvivor

My last three (3) braincells attempting to decide what I’m doing today.

One of them is autism, one of them is ADHD, and the other is the desire to not do anything productive at all. I think the dogs that are fighting are autism and ADHD, and the woman screaming is my desire to not do anything productive at all. The woman just wants to sit and watch more trash TV until some form of inspiration hits, and then she’ll do something. Except there are two huge dogs going goblin mode in front of her 😭

This is my current mood. I’ve been resting a lot because my guts still hurt off and on, and honestly watching TV that I like is helping my brain rest and get more inspiration for my writing in the long term. Plus, as Laz has said before, it’s nice to be able to be a fan of things again. It’s been years since we’ve been able to do that.

Aside from this post and talking to people, will I get anything else productive done? I’m not sure. But I’ll do my best if I’m so inspired.

-Allēna

#ActuallyADHD #actuallyAuDHD #ActuallyAutistic #healing #Humor #meme #NEISvoid #rest #Spoonie #strokesurvivor

As the lab results roll in, I’m hard at work on medical theories because that’s what we do..

It’s plausible that due to Hera‘s incredible (heavy sarcasm) DIY MKULTRA scheme she put us through in our late teens and early twenties, the high doses of lithium we were on damaged our pituitary gland, adrenals, and kidneys while our thyroid bounced back, aided by the Vitamin B100 experiment Laz started a few months ago. HRT has quite possibly made it worse because (hypothetically) nothing that’s supposed to process testosterone normally can or will.

Huzzah. I hate this existence sometimes. Fuck psychiatry. We didn’t even need to be on lithium anyway. But here we are, persevering through this existence by means of sheer fucking spite. I’ve written a note to our PCP about this theory already. I’ll see what he says.

-Theo, standing in for Allēna today because she fell asleep.

#AcceptanceMatters #didsystem #DIYMKULTRA #Hera #ibuprofenExperiment #MadMastodon #MadStudies #MedicalResearch #mentalhealth #NEISvoid #plural #strokesurvivor #TWAbuse #TWMedicalAbuseTWMedicalNeglect #vitaminB100Experiment

Taking a break from watching Heroes for now because Doom Guy sent me a video and I replied partially in Japanese.

I didn’t know I knew enough Japanese for that particular brain fart, but here we are. All hail the Brainhole. I’m also very tired and probably need more sleep than I was able to get last night.

Wheeee.

I’m going to attempt a nap, but we all know that that sort of thing is hit or miss with this fucking body. I might also be coming down with fucking noro. Again.

More magic to come, just later..

-Allēna

#actuallyAuDHD #chronicfatigue #DoomGuy #eepy #Heroes #NEISvoid #Norovirus #polyglot #Spoonie #strokesurvivor #tired

Getting Back on Track

When we were younger, mid teens or so, our family would always accuse us of having a one track mind and say that we needed to “get off the track” when we hyperfocused on something a bit too hard for their taste or comfort.

I, Allēna, am particularly bad about that. I’m very tightly wound, and I feel like a compressed coil much of the time. If something releases pressure on that coil, I might just.. Erupt and spill everywhere. I know much of that pressure is self imposed now that I’m an adult and is the result of a life filled with trauma, and as a result I am slowly but surely learning that I can learn to relax and I’ll still be safe and not everything will go to shit. I don’t have to be this poised image of perfection, and nor does everyone else. Not all the time, anyway. I view my AuDHD/CPTSD pattern recognition as both a blessing and a curse in this respect. It makes me very anxious, but I also get a lot done and a lot done in a way that gets results.

That being said, I’ve been slowly learning now that life is becoming more stable to make time for my special interests, both old and new. That hyperfocus, that “track”, if you will, is what energizes me. I can’t switch mental trains of thought or tasks easily like a neurotypical or someone who has a different “flavor” of ADHD can. However, whatever I’m doing, if I care about it and enjoy it, I give it my all. I throw my entire soul into it, and gods, does it make me feel alive again.

It never hasn’t..

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to relax through my burnout like a neurotypical will. However, I do know that engaging with people and things that make me feel alive again when I’m up for the task is the closest thing I feel to R&R.

And lately, I’ve been giving an old comfort show of mine a re-watch – Heroes. It’s an odd one. I don’t know many people who have seen it at all, but many actors I love are in it, and we watched most of it with our family back in 2011-12 or so, mostly on Wednesday nights.

It has been an odd experience. Very comforting, yet I only remember about half of it. I think it’s because while I loved it, I was likely severely dissociated at the time, largely focused on other things and people, and may not have been the only headmate in front, but didn’t realize it at the moment.

I don’t know. What I do know is this – it seems to have been a huge influence on my audio drama The Third Prophecy a little over a half decade later and one of the shows that made my system realize we were plural, but we couldn’t admit that to anyone for several more years.

I’ll need to keep watching. I’ll keep y’all posted.

-Allēna

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#ActuallyADHD #actuallyAuDHD #ActuallyAutistic #cptsd #didsystem #hyperfocus #MadMastodon #MadStudies #mentalhealth #NEISvoid #patternrecognition #plural #ramble #reflection #strokesurvivor #trauma

Challenges

Ah yes. An interesting prompt.

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

Staying alive, in all honesty. We live in a hellscape and I’m under a lot of stress right now being a repository of knowledge and stress buffer/mediator for a lot of people. It’s so bad right now that I don’t know how I feel personally about a lot of the situations I’m the human DMZ in, and I am currently too exhausted to try. Alexithymia and chronic fatigue are bitches and a half.

I’m still trying to care for myself as best as possible in all of this, finding a balance is just…. Difficult. It’s one of the reasons my phone is eternally on Do Not Disturb. It gives me some semblance of artificially manufactured peace and quiet amidst all the chaos.

I think in another life, I would have made a great emergency medical technician.

-Allēna

#actuallyAuDHD #ChronicPain #chronicfatigue #chronicillness #contemplation #CripplePunk #dailyprompt #dailyprompt1854 #eepy #housebound #jointpain #MECFS #NEISvoid #Spoonie #strokesurvivor